


some scars heal faster than others

by owilde



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Graphic Description of Self-Harm, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, also, and a bit of fluff i suppose, so please don't read if you're triggered easily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 05:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6740509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owilde/pseuds/owilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec pressed his eyes shut, shaking slightly. </p><p>"Why am I <i>alive</i>, Magnus?" He choked out, willing himself to not cry, not <i>now</i>, as he opened his eyes again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	some scars heal faster than others

**Author's Note:**

> This was partially inspired by my own relapse and intrusive self destructive thoughts a while ago, and partially by these lyrics from James Blunt's "Sun On Sunday":
> 
>  
> 
> __
>
>> _How was I so blind to miss you crumbling inside? Is it too late now to fix you? Let me make it right. 'Cause there'll be no sun on Sunday, no reason for words to rhyme. 'Cause if you're bleeding, so am I._
> 
>  
> 
> Give it a listen, maybe? It's a good song.
> 
> Anyway, yesh, this is kind of sad. I needed an outlet for my own emotions, so. Sorry? No character death, though, so that's something.

Alec hadn't felt the itch in a long time, the familiar itch that was lurking under his skin constantly, the itch to hurt, to cut, to _bleed_ -

That was a lie.

It hadn't been a long time since he'd last felt it. But it _had_ been a long time since he'd acted upon it, since he'd given up to it.

He supposed it didn't matter, regardless.

Alec's eyes moved on their own accord, travelling over the white bathroom tiles, over the towels piled on top of each other to resemble some sort of a domestic picture, all the way over to the knife lying on the floor beside him.

It wasn't a _good_ knife, per se. It wasn't particularly sharp, nor clean. It wasn't the ideal thing he'd use, or had used it the past, or wanted to use.

But it was all he had, right now, and so it would suffice.

Because it was too much, all of it, and he needed that one bit of control, that _something_ to bring him back down right now.

Alec picked the knife up, fingers stretching out to curl around the black handle, feeling the familiar weight as he lifted it up. His breathing picked up as he rolled the dull blade around, twirling it over and over in a lazy circle with the tip pressed to his index finger.

It wasn't enough, obviously. Nothing was ever _enough_.

He dragged the cold metal across his leg, over the knee, twisting it to the right to fit to the spot just at the end of the tibia bone. There was a hesitant press down, but then he changed his mind. Alec lifted the knife up just a bit, finally letting it rest on the soft skin of his ankle.

He pressed the blade down harder, letting the skin break, letting the drops of blood collect as tiny balls on the side of the blade before rolling down.

Alec let out a shaky sigh as he momentarily closed his eyes. He'd already forgotten the fleeting pain followed by satisfaction, the strange sense of achievement. He'd forgotten how much he'd _missed_ it. How it felt like coming back home.

It became increasingly more difficult to keep track of time or slashes or _anything_ as Alec desperately tried to keep his mind empty of everything, relishing only in the feeling of _pain_ and _nothingness_ and _more_. He just wanted to get rid of everything, of himself, of his thoughts. He just wanted some _peace_.

Alec dropped the blade eventually, and shakily picked up his phone instead. He scrolled down on his contacts, trying to stay conscious for just a while longer. Just a little while before he could really let it all go.

He clicked on the right number and started typing slowly, focusing on each letter as carefully as he could.

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [03:33am] Are you awake?_

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [03:40am] You're probabluy not awake._

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [03:41am] Thats alright. This is easier thisd way._

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [03:45am] I jsut wanted to say thank you. For everythign you've done to me. Meeting you made my life better, it truly did_

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [03:46am] But no matter how incredible you've made thigns, i'm afraid it's not enough. Everything,is too much. I'm so tired, Magnus, of everything. I'm tired of livign. And if this is my life, I don't want my life, Magnus. I don't want it. it's not fair to yuo, its not fair to anyone_

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [03:50am] i'm sorry. i really am. But i can't do this, anymore_

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [04:00am] i supposr i just wantedf to say goodbye_

 _**To** _ _: magnus <3 [04:01am] i lovey ou_

Alec's hands were trembling by the time he finished and he let the phone drop down to the floor, hitting the carpet with a soft thud.

He wheezed in a shaking breath, his heart stammering fast, _too_ fast. He could hear the beating sound in his ears, filling his head. Alec's vision remained blurry as his lids begun drooping.

There was his heart beat, and there was darkness, and _oh_ , the dark felt nice, Alec didn't have to _think_ , it was pleasant, just the comforting thudding, and the darkness flashed white for a second - or maybe it was an eternity - and then Alec let himself go, spiraling downwards to unconsciousness, to emptiness, _finally asleep..._

**...**

_**From** _ _: magnus <3 _ _**To** _ _: alexander [07:02am] Alexander?_

 _**From** _ _: magnus <3 _ _**To** _ _: alexander [07:02am] Alec what's going on, what have you done?_

 _**From** _ _: magnus <3 _ _**To** _ _: alexander [07:03am] I'm calling Isabelle._

**...**

Alec woke up, feeling dizzy. He blinked his eyes open lazily, looking around at his surroundings. The room looked familiar, and it took Alec a few seconds to realize he was in Magnus' apartment.

Not dead.

Lying on Magnus' bed.

 _No, no, no no no no_. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, he wasn't supposed to be _alive_ , he wasn't supposed to, it was _all wrong_ -

Someone gasped loudly from the doorway and Alec looked up on a reflex, his eyes meeting Magnus' relieved ones. Alec's breath hitched in panic, and in an instant Magnus was sitting by his side on the edge of the bed, taking Alec's hand in his.

"Alexander," Magnus breathed out, leaning forward to rest his head against Alec's chest. "Oh, _Alexander_."

Alec didn't know what to say. He hadn't been prepared for this, this wasn't how it was _supposed_ to be, not at all.

"You have no idea how scared I've been," Magnus whispered, just loud enough that Alec could hear him. "I saw your messages and I- I didn't-" Magnus paused. "I was so _terrified_ , Alec."

Alec took a shuddering breath, swallowing air. "Why am I here?" He asked quietly.

Magnus squeezed the hand he was holding, shaking his head. "I brought you here after I- after we found you. Isabelle said that a hospital might be a bad idea."

Alec pressed his eyes shut, shaking slightly. "Why am I _alive_ , Magnus?" He choked out, willing himself to not cry, not _now_ , as he opened his eyes again.

This caused Magnus to lift his head. He shifted closer, placing his free hand on Alec's neck, tangling his fingers in his hair. " _Why_?" He repeated, and Alec saw tears gathering in his eyes, and _fuck_ , he was going to cry, too. " _Why_ , you ask. I couldn't just-" Magnus cut himself off, biting his lip. "I couldn't just let you _die_ , Alexander."

Alec blinked at Magnus through his glazed eyes, managing to whisper another soft " _Why_?"

Magnus stared back at him, something _broken_ in his eyes, looking as if Alec had slapped him. He retreated the hand from Alec's neck to wipe away a tear, only for it to be replaced by another. "Why wouldn't you tell me?" He asked hoarsely instead of answering.

"About what?"

"About _any_ of this, Alec. We could've worked this out, we could've-"

Alec scoffed, and Magnus closed his mouth in the middle of a sentence.

"Worked this out?" Alec repeated bitterly. "Worked _what_ out, Magnus? That I'm a wreck? That I obviously can't handle my own life?"

Magnus opened his mouth to respond, but Alec lifted one finger to stop him.

"I'll never be _fine_ , Magnus. This isn't something we can _figure out_. This isn't something that's just going to go away. And it doesn't matter that you love me, and that I love you, and that I have good days, and that sometimes I'm close to being fine. Because eventually it'll all crumble down again. It's like I'm constantly building a puzzle, only to suddenly realize that I can't find some pieces, or that the pieces I have don't fit together, and then I have to break it down and start rebuilding it all over again. And I'm not sure for how long I can do that. And that's why I... why I did what I did."

Alec looked at Magnus, _pleading_ for him to just _understand_ , understand that it wasn't easy and it would never be. Magnus met his gaze, giving him a fragile smile. Alec frowned.

"Alright," Magnus said softly, dropping his gaze to their joined hands. "It's _alright_. It's okay to not be a complete puzzle, Alexander. I wouldn't mind even if you were just a lone disfigured piece, but that's not the point. I know it'd be selfish of me to ask you to live only for me. Simply because it seems impossible to imagine a life of my own without you. I could probably move on, in a few hundred years - maybe thousands - but it would always hurt to have lost you, Alexander. Regardless, I won't ask you to do that."

Magnus paused, grimacing and looking away from Alec for the first time, staring at the floor.

"Alexander, I just want, no, _need_ you to know. That I don't understand it. But it's fine, I don't need to understand. The only thing that matters to me right now is you, but if... if you don't matter to yourself, there's not much I can do about it. Just promise me- promise me that you won't do anything rash without talking to me. Just _try_ and talk to me, Alec. I'll be here, always."

Alec felt his heart stop for a second, an indescribable feeling of _grief_  and something else settling in his stomach, paralyzing him. He sat up slowly, letting Magnus wrap his arms around him as Alec pressed his nose to his neck.

"I can't make you any promises," Alec said truthfully, his voice trembling as he remained in Magnus' comforting embrace. "But I can... we can try. To talk about things. _I_ can try to talk about things."

And it wasn't the best he could offer, or what he _wanted_ to offer, but it was something. It was a start. And maybe he'd be more close to being fine someday, or maybe he'd never be more than what he was now.

But he could try.

He could do that much.


End file.
